kariskhaos


I do not know and I do not like it
August 19, 2011, 6:00 am
Filed under: grief, love, Parenting | Tags: ,

My son, Christian asked me yesterday if there is ever a time when I do not want to blog. I said I have only been doing it for 19 days and that no, so far there has not been a time. Then today happened. I got a phone call and everything changed.

I start to type, then hit the delete button, then start to type and start to cry. I wonder how honest to be in a blog, how vulnerable and exposed should I be. What is okay to talk about and what is better left unsaid. When is sharing therapeutic and when is it verbal vomit. I do not know, and that seems to be the thought for the day. I do not know and I do not like it.

My heart is breaking, my gut is wrenched with pain and my soul is crying a mournful song. Someone I love is missing, lost, both literally and emotionally. My parents and my sister are devastated and we all feel helpless. I really don’t like it. I am a very passionate person and I feel things deeply. I laugh hard and I cry hard. I am not afraid of strong emotions but I often scare people who are. This is new ground for me as I feel a pain that comes from the unknown. I do not know where this person is, I do not know if they are dead or alive, I do not know, when, I will know. I do not like this.

Anger has not come yet, grief seems to be a bit premature, so again I am in an unknown sea of emotion and I cannot find the shore. This is real life, this was not in the brochure and I do not like it. Tomorrow will be a new day and with it new opportunities for love, hope and answers. For now, I live with the unknown, and I do not like it.

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4 Comments so far
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Praying Kari.

Comment by Melissa

Thank you

Comment by Kari

perfectly said (from a recovering TMI, who knows).Shandra

Comment by Shandra

Thanks Shandra, so glad we are friends, and so grateful for your presence in my families life. you are a blessing

Comment by Kari




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