kariskhaos


Alone, But Not Lonely

The rain is pouring down, Gus is curled at my feet, and I am sipping on a glass of wine, alone.  Not just alone in the room, or for the evening, but alone for the night.  Isaac drove his brothers over the mountain to spend some time with their dad in the trailer.  It was the first time he had driven over the Mt. pass by himself.  It was his longest solo drive, and he did a wonderful job.  They were going to come back tonight but decided to stay one more night, much to their dads delight.  Jessie is at a friend’s house for the night.  I am all alone.

I can probably count on one hand the times I have been by myself for a whole night in this house.  In the eleven years we have lived in this house it is not even once a year.  I have been alone away from this house, but very seldom am I home alone.  It is an odd and wonderful feeling.  It is not lonely, but it is very quiet.  I have no music playing, the TV is not on, just the sound of the rain and Gus breathing at my feet.  The hum of the refrigerator, the creaking of the stairs, the squeak of my chair.  I am all alone.

So much of my life is loud, it is rushed, it is busy.  It is such a good life, and I am so blessed.  In the past I did not know what to do with time like this, a night off from every role I play in my world.  I would need to watch a movie, call a friend, waste time on a mindless game, or god forbid, clean my house or worse yet exercise.  I am learning that I can be alone with myself.  I am learning that I am pretty good company.  I am learning to just be.  I am all alone.

When you are a ‘doer’ this is a very hard lesson to learn.  When your self-worth comes from other people noticing what you are doing, while you are a ‘doer’ it gets complicated.  If you believe that it all depends on you, and nothing would get done if you don’t do it, being alone, and quiet, are foreign and forgotten dreams.  If you are worried when life slows down you will have to take a hard look at who you really are, and you are afraid of the answers you might find, it is safer to be around people.  I am all alone.

I find myself thinking of the bible and Paul when he talks about contentment. “ …for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed, or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13.

The rain is pouring down, Gus is curled at my feet, and I am sipping on a glass of wine, alone.  I am all alone.  I am content.

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Wow, what a beautiful place that you’ve come to, content with not just your own company – but the company of one who knows our needs better than anyone on earth.. I love this.

Comment by GodGirl




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