kariskhaos


Sometimes Harder Than Others

I have the best intentions of writing my blog earlier in the day. I even thought I might get it done while Lila was napping today. I got other things done but not my blog. The taxi service started this afternoon and the next thing I knew it was 7:30. I still needed to get my Kari’s Kitchen meal made and help with homework. It was all good and important stuff but it meant that my blog was put off once more. Now I sit with my apron still on, but a clean kitchen, and all fourteen of the meal orders for this week done. It is a good feeling.

Scotty and I had a hard conversation last night about our current affairs. He is feeling out of the loop with the daily parenting of our kids. He feels bad that he is not here to help me more, and hates that I have become a single parent in many ways. We both are making the best of a tough situation, but in that process there is pain. At what point, he asked me, is it too much? How do we know when the line has been crossed and other options need to be considered and taken seriously? Will we know before it is too late?

I do not have any clear answers for these questions. I just know it is messy and hard and real. The pros are still out weighing the cons but the questions need to be asked. Communication between Scotty and I has to be honest, brutally honest at times and that is not easy for either of us. Sometimes we want to protect the other from feeling guilty, or bad, or worse yet, not missed at all. We put on our happy face with each other to protect the other, and what we sometimes end up with is a false image.

When Scott and I were video chatting last night I was crying. I cry easily and I cry often just as I laugh loudly, often and easily. I try hard on a daily basis to look at the bright side, to find the good and be brave in this often difficult time. What I learned was that sometimes Scott needs to hear that it is really hard, that I hate being away from him, and I am making it, but I really wish it could be different. That kind of honesty with him and with myself does not say I want to give up, but validates our love and need for each other in the midst of our choices.

Christian asked me tonight if I was still in love with dad. He had seen me crying and knew I was struggling. I smiled at him, oh yes honey I love your dad now more than ever. He smiled and said “so its just hard to be away from each other?” Yes honey, it is really hard to be away from each other. Sometimes harder than others.

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My thoughts are with you and Scott, being separated is very difficult. I admire your strength!

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